Konoha Safari
by UnagiKeki
Summary: Venture out into the wild plains of the Shinobi land, to observe some of the finest specimens of ninja Konoha has to offer! Insurance and waivers required; see our website for more details.


**Author's Note: I don't want to hear any flames about it; I've been to Tokyo recently, and I can testify that the only thing I saw more of than amazingly helpful people and urban beauty were nasty, girly magazines. I am not, I repeat, NOT hating on the Japanese; why else would I be learning the language?**

**If you think any of the Jounin are OOC, go watch 'Drunken Yamato' on YouTube. He's such a spazz...**

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Welcome to the Konoha Park's Guided Safari Tour; thank you for choosing Shinobi Stalkers Guide Groups, a faction of the Konoha Tourism Department. Visitors to the village will note the distinctive landmarks of this beautiful natural area, such as the clearly-visible, decapitated heads of dead Hokage rising hundreds of feet above us in the distance. The Land of Fire has been home to wild ninja since Kishimoto Masashi had a braingasm around ten years ago, and the public's high regard has kept this park steadily occupied with eager fan girls and boys. On this branch of your journey, we'll be venturing down the village streets and abroad to observe species of wild Shinobi in their natural habitats. We ask that you keep your hands, feet, and hair inside of the pod at all times, and do not tap the glass.

A brief stopover at Ichiraku Ramen will mark the half-way point of this trip, and only then will food be permitted. For the sake of safety, please do not handle edibles until that time, and do not offer your food to Pakkun; he's too fat already.

Cameras are not permitted within 300 feet of the women's bathhouse; repeat, cameras are not permitted near the bathhouses. Offenders will be subject to an Indian Burn by Jiraiya…

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Our first stop today will be the locus of all goings-on in the Shinobi township: the Hokage Tower. As we make our way there, feel free to marvel at the various milestones which add a distinctly Japanese flavor to the village: To the left, one may see a dirty comics store; a seller of steamed whale uvula on a stick on the right, and near that a police box where hapless tourists can get helpful maps and phrasebooks. Followed by a dirty comics store…and another dirty comics store…

But approaching now is the great, mahogany wonder at Konoha's center. Looking like an overturned Crock-Pot, the Hokage Tower has been the office of the highest Shinobi in the land since the beginning of Konohagakure. The secret scroll storage area is around the back, and obviously not impenetrable to twelve year-olds. Down the lane there is the Konoha Academy, where young ninja hopefuls are screamed at vindictively by the village mascot, Iruka-sensei. And another dirty comics store.

Circling the headquarters of the country, one may observe it's proximity to the Hokage Monument.

Konohagakure has a long tradition of honoring it's elders and dearly-departed, with elaborate rituals involving staring at the Memorial Stone endlessly and gathering to bury the deceased under a pile of chrysanthemums. The newest Hokage is Godaime Tsunade, who may be viewed procrastinating from paperwork from the leftmost balcony each day at intervals of 30 minutes. You can purchase tokens for our Inebriate The Granny activity later on, with 2 tokens buying you one bottle of sake to feed the Tsunade; family and group discounts are available.

We will now be moving on to the Uzumaki Naruto display. Again, please keep all limbs within the pod and do not tempt the animals with food…

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Drawing up on our left is the den of Konoha's most famous inhabitant: the orange-coated Naruto, of the genus _Geninus Idiotus_. Narutos generally prefer to rise later in the day, providing early-morning visitors like yourselves the rare opportunity of seeing the Naruto holding still. Let's look in the window-

Ah! It would seem that the Naruto has arisen from it's slumber!

(Cue Naruto standing in front of the refrigerator, in zombie-like fashion.)

The full _bishounen_ quality of the specimen may now be examined. Note the frantic crest of yellow hair, and distinctive whisker markings about the face…

(Naruto takes out a carton of milk and blinks sleepily.)

The Naruto is an impulsive creature, who likes to graffiti and consume huge amounts of processed noodles prior to it's nightly hibernations. Having awoken from one just now, the Naruto will enact it's morning rituals. Note how it keenly examines it's source of food…

(Shaking the container, Naruto grimaces when crunching sounds like gravel sound from the milk container.)

Uh oh, that can't be good… Apparently forgoing sustenance, the Naruto begins his daily, hygienic abulitions.

(Naruto lifts one arm and sniffs, before shuffling into the bathroom for an extended stay. Eventually, he exits, picking some clothes up off the floor and pulling them on. Licking his fingers, the boy readjusts some nonspecific chunk of hair. After a quick glance in the mirror, Naruto grins from ear to ear and strolls happily out the door, leaving his keys on the breakfast table. The door clicks ominously behind him, locked.)

Oh, no! But such are the risks inerrant to the solitary Naruto. Let's listen closely to his cries of distress, and see if eons of evolution have produced a being intelligent enough to get back inside…

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Apparently not. The Naruto has likely departed in search of food, deciding that ignoring the issue will resolve it. Or perhaps he's gone to a dirty comics store.

Konohamarus are the natural parasitic partners of Narutos, and our opportunity to see them in symbiotic action ill likely come sooner than later. But for now, let's make our way towards the brooding and ominous complex just down this street: the enclosure of Hatake Kakashi, famed Jounin and object of frighteningly complex adoration by teenaged girls everywhere.

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The Kakashi has also just stirred from bed, although it is quite apparent that he has not slept. Observe the red-rimmed eye, the vomit stains on the discarded Jounin vest on the floor.

("Iruka can hold about as much booze as a thimble," Kakashi mumbles, searching for a bottle of aspirin.)

Upon occasion, the Kakashi enjoys holding drinking meetings with his compatriots. Irukas, Asumas, and Yamatos will group with the Kakashi for this Jounin-specific ritual, which usually devolves into crabby, hung-over confrontations.

(Anko falls off of the kitchen table loudly. "Good morning, sugar." Kakashi grins.

"Go to hell," the woman says, before making a face. "Ugh. Turn off the damn sun!"

"Sorry, can't." he tells her, wincing. "Just curious, Anko: do you remember anything after the wasabi shooters?"

"Mizuki and Iruka dancing…" the woman trails off, before noticing that Yamato is asleep, fully clothed, in the bathtub.)

Aha! We're fortunate in that so many Jounin have remained in one place- albeit in intoxicated states.

("Eh heh, so I was telling him…in the middle, I said. In the _middle_-"

"Shut up, Tenzou!" the dark-haired woman snaps.

"HEE-EYY! Don't call me by my real name! Iza see-cret! Oh, hey- nice panties…"

"YOU PIG!" shrieked she, yanking down her skirt and smacking Tenzou across the mug in one, swift motion.)

Here we may note the fine differentiations of the _Jouninus Drunkenous_, and it's broad closet of species. Speaking of which-

(Kakashi opens the closet; Gai falls out, as stiff as a board.)

A rare specimen indeed: Konoha's famed Green Beast, the voluptuously-colored Maito Gai! Gais are noted for their flamboyant displays of mating colors, turning bright emerald every spring in preparation for 'Youthtime'. This ceremony is particular only to the Gai genus, and no other Jounin to date has thus recognized this abstract concept.

("Damn good thing, too." our favorite Sensei sighs, checking the still man's large nostrils for condensation. Unfortunately, he is still alive.

"Who are you talking to, Kakashi?"

"In the _middle,"_ Yamato hiccups helpfully.

"Those camera-toting tourists over there." Kakashi points indifferently towards the group of viewers. "Come on, Yamato- let's dunk your head in some cold water and send you home…"

"Are you serious!?")

Oh, no- We've been spotted by the ferocious Mitarashi Anko: scourge of Konoha, devourer of Genin. Our fate hangs above the fires of eternal damnation and torture!

("They come by at least once a week." Kakashi reassures her, letting Tenzou's limp head drop into the tub with a resounding echo.

Hell's fury resumes it's blaze in Anko's bloodshot, makeup-run eyes. "Oh, no fricking way-")

It would seem to be in our best interest to vacate the area posthaste! Please revert all tray tables to their original position, and pen that last sentence of your will- but do not be alarmed, it will only attract her attention. Passengers are reminded of the non-disclosure insurance forms offered upon the start of this tour, and that Shinobi Stalkers and Konoha at large is not responsible for the behavior of it's denizens. Haha, ha… Um, on to our next destination, then.

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**AN: I never said I was Dane Cook. It'll get better, I swear. XD**


End file.
